In a surprise twist that not even Nostradamus could see coming, Demi Moore has revealed that she indeed has gotten married… to baby-dangling misfit Michael Jackson! (see above)

The stunt, carefully planned by Gen-Y prankster Ashton Kutcher, saw Demi saying “I do” to the former child star-cum-human/alien hybrid after spiking her drink with high-grade heroin…

Ah, who am I kidding — Kutcher’s skin is much too dark for him to pass for Jackson…

Last week we heard that Katie Holmes had been zapped by Cruise’s sci-fi ray gun, impregnating the Dawson’s Creek star (possibly using ancient alien technology) only six months into the courtship/farce/sideshow.

Today we learn that Holmes has sacked her publicist, instead now using her husband-to-be’s publicist/sister/Scientologist.

It is clear to me now that the pod people have snapped up the fresh-faced almost-starlet, and we can pretty much say that, for all intents and purposes, her career is now dead. In ten years time, she may make a decent talk show host (a la Ricki Lake) but in the meantime, it’ll be raising young Inspektor Rex Hubbard Cruise and appearing in fitness machine infomercials.

In news that I just find terribly sad, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are apparently expecting their first child.

Holmes, 27, had a life and career ahead of her until Mr. Xenuite jumped onboard, though there was no marriage — no lasting commitment — to have to wriggle out of at a later date.

Now, with a Junior Scientologist on the way, Holmes is forever tied to Cruise in some way. This won’t just be a mistake she’d rather forget — this is a permanent, life-altering event.

Oh well, I guess she can’t claim she’s a virgin any more. Or can she?

Word comes from Cinematical via The Movie Blog is news that Microsoft is going to resurrect the idea of single-use DVD’s.

Your regular DVD format has got a huge foothold already, so unlike Circuit City’s Divx format, Microsoft’s next flop isn’t really much of a threat. The MS format does share the fact that it requires a new player, however, with the now-long-dead-with-a-codec-since-named-after-it Divx format.

How could this possibly succeed? Movie rental businesses won’t want it because it’ll mean constantly reordering stock. Consumers won’t want it because it’ll mean buying a new player. I see another Microsoft Bob on the horizon…

The Toronto Star has published a piece by former child actress Sarah Polley on the traumatic experience of shooting The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, including recent email correspondence between Polley and filmmaker Terry Gilliam:

Basically, I remember being afraid a lot of the time. I felt incredibly unsafe. I remember a couple of trips to the hospital after being in freezing water for long periods of time, losing quite a bit of my hearing for days at a time due to explosives, having my heart monitored when one went off relatively close to me, etc. I remember running through this long sort of corridor where explosives went off every few feet, things were on fire, etc. I cried hysterically in my dad’s lap and begged him to make sure I wouldn’t have to do it again, but I did. I think I did it quite a few more times.

For what it’s worth, we were always concerned to make things safe for you (you were too valuable to the production to allow anything to happen to you). Although things might have seemed to be dangerous, they weren’t.

The only time events got close to trouble was when the horse jumped from the boat. We all were terrified, however I knew that Angelo Raguzzo was one of the most brilliant horsemen I had ever seen and that he would make sure none of you in the boat were harmed. Nevertheless, the explosion was a f— up and I apologize.

First, we had Kubrick’s The Shining based on Stephen King’s novel.

Then, we had The Shinning, based on Kubrick’s film.

Now, here’s Shining — or at least the trailer for Shining. It’s a trailer cut around the premise that Kubrick’s film is a feel-good comedy-drama, not a psycho-supernatural horror. It’s instructive in how trailers can be cut to create any desired impression, and it’s pretty twisted to boot.

Jessica Alba is fast becoming my new hero, this week telling Jay Leno (on being propositioned during auditions), “Of course I’ve been asked. But from a really crass point of view, if I just want to f**k somebody, I don’t really want to see him in the morning, much less every day during filming.”

She added (and folks, this is where it gets kinky), “I could have sexual chemistry with vinegar. When you’re making a movie with an actor, either it’s someone you want to sleep with or you’re thinking of someone you want to sleep with or you’re thinking of your dog. I think of Sid and Nancy, my pugs.”

Hey, I’ve got a great idea for a high-concept, independent movie…